For some reason I enjoy having dreams where I have some sort of enemy or problem. It's always something to reflect on.
Especially since I've been having reoccurring entities showing up in my dreams, it makes me question if it's possible that we really do enter another world as we sleep. Not possible with reality as we know it, but there have been things witnessed in space that break things as simple as E=MC^2, (flashes visible from across the universe! Not just the galaxy or even the cluster.) so my mind's kind of open to anything at this point.
I had a dream that I could fly. Well, I needed a device to fly, but I had it and it worked. I had grown tired of "the world below" and envied "the world above." So I flew away to go there. But on the way up I stopped to rest on a platform that floated between the worlds. While I did this a man came and cut off my flight to steal it for himself.
I was stuck on the platform because I was too high up to go back down without dieing, and I could no longer fly to finish the journey to the world above. There was no world in between. The platform was small, and I couldn't even walk.
I dunno, but this dream just caught my attention. I wonder if it means anything.
Edit: I woke up and I wasn't wearing any pants. I had put some on when I went to bed because it was cold. What gives?
Spending the rest of a comfortable and financially secure life with somebody that makes me happy with both him and myself. Not having kids to disrupt this life. And with the ultimate end, finding out that there's nothing horrible waiting for me on the other side.
What is your version of happily ever after?
I'm still alive. And I'm more spiteful than ever.
As of late, men have been telling me, "You aren't __________ enough, I prefer this other girl."
Seriously, what the fuck? I'm not good enough? Pretty enough? Sexy? Nice? Why give me another girl to be constantly comparing myself to? I didn't ask for their opinions. I didn't go around acting like I was interested in these guys. At most I was interested in being friends.
Fuck all. You know, just when I think I know a guy who isn't a complete asshole, he goes and proves me wrong. I can't think of any exceptions anymore.
I've been living life a bit more, when I can. Work has been upped to full time hours though, even though I'm technically still labeled under "part time". I've been keeping to myself outside of work. I'm trying to find things that are enjoyable when you do them by yourself, but all my inspiration for my art is gone. Video games and anime become too repetitive. This town is only so big.
It's been a long time since I've chatted with anyone online, and my best friend moved to a city that's two hours away, so I haven't really been confiding in anyone anymore.
I have secrets now, and only because I have nobody to tell them too. I'm a bit lost, and it seems everyone is gone now.
Kenta broke up with me.
I didn't see it coming. Like, at all. Actually, I'm pretty sure he told me he loves me sometime today. But he either lied or was wrong and didn't know it.
I'm not going to be angry with him. If I'm not right for him, then C'est la vie.
But I really don't know what to do right now. I did the very best that I could and gave this relationship everything I had to offer. I don't even know what I want to do in life. I don't know who's shoulder to cry on. I really only ever went to him.
I'm really such an idiot though. He's still my friend, yeah, but I can't go to him right now. He just dumped me for god's sake. I want to call Grey, but this will only just make her sad too. Plus, it's ten o clock at night. My parents aren't an option. They're the biggest relationship retards ever. All my mother knows how to do is sing and dance happily in the streets if one of HER relationships ends.
Grey also never loved any of the guys she's dated. She probably doesn't understand what being in love is like, considering how many guys she's hurt without batting an eyelash.
So I totally closed up my labtop in the middle of typing this and went to stay the night at Grey's house. I'm feeling so sick. Dizzy and nausious with an on and off headache. I didn't sleep well. I kept waking up from the dizzyness and feeling my blood go through my veins. At one point I thought I was a tree branch.
Kenta says that odds are he'll never return my feelings again. I want very much to tell him I love him again. I didn't want our last kiss goodbye to be our last kiss. I want to be by his side again. The feeling of being in his arms and knowing everything is alright. Things aren't alright. And I'm not okay.
I want love. It's the thing I want most right now. I'm desperate for it. But love doesn't mean a thing to me unless I love that person as well. And I'm not the kind of person to fall for somebody easily. I'm terrified that I never will again. I've done so many things wrong. I've alienated most of my friends. I'm disgusted by most of the men I know. I don't have many people to go to for support. And even the ones I do have... How will it be enough? Every intelligent part of me is being overpowered by imbecilic and obsessive feelings of wanting HIM to hold and comfort me.
I just want to love and be loved. Unfortunately I can't get that anymore.
...And I just wanted to post why I'm giggling right now.
Kenta keeps making me go to bed when I stay up late as of late. It's quite funny. XD I've even been pulling the little kid act with the "but you get to stay up late!" and stuff. XD
It's so silly. XD
Grey got me a pocket watch. 8D
Her birthday's tomorrow, so I'm going to make her some eggnog even though it's out of season.
Don't wanna speak too soon, but things are starting to look up. ♥
I have a job, and it's really awesome. I work for a home-improvement store, and it's a lot of fun. It was really cold today though. I'm still in training, so I have to shadow people, and the only cashiers they had today were in either garden department or self-checkout. Self-checkout is apparently too crazy for a new hire like me, so I was put in garden, which is outside.
But it was pretty sweet. There was a heater out there, and also, one of the trees for sale had a lemon. There weren't many customers, so I spent the time standing near the heater, talking to the cashier I was shadowing, and playing with a lemon. And getting paid for all of that. XD
I have tomorrow off, so I might do some Christmas shopping. Or drawing. Depend on what I feel more like doing~
Man, this journal so far is only good for complaining, isn't it?
I can't stand my salvation army bell ringing job. I already gave my notice to quit, but I still have two days left...
Ugh. I'm lucky that I got hired by somebody else. I wouldn't be able to take standing in one place for ten hours at a time doing nothing but ringing a bell for the entire Christmas season. >_ > (Seriously, I don't even have anybody to talk to. That would help, doing all that nothing with company...)
My new job will be in retail though! Yaaay, no burning myself with hot oil, no handling three customers at a time and gathering the things they purchaced FOR them, and I'll work for MORE than minimum wage! 8D And actually WORKING rather than standing there will help the day go by faster.
......The idea of bell ringing for today and tomorrow makes me want to throw up. >_<;
...Is total bullshit.
Do we need it?
No. When was the last time you've heard of a plane being blown up or hijacked by terrorists? That's right, 9/11/2001. That's right, almost a DECADE ago. So what have we been using for security before then?
A metal detector that we step through with our shoes and belt off, and EVERYTHING ELSE going through an X-Ray. Not your body. And it's been working perfectly. We've had no more plane-incidents since then.
So why do we need this new security system? The answer is we don't. VIVA LA RESISTANCE! Where do I sign up!?
Does it work?
If somebody were that desprate to blow us up, they could STILL get away with it. Somebody else explained this:
"These measures are completely unnecessary. If someone is bound and determined to blow me up, a grope isn't going to stop them. If they really, really want to blow me up, they could shove the bomb up their pooper, and the machine and the pat down combined wouldn't catch it. If they want to blow me up that badly, there's really not much the TSA can do to stop it.
I feel a more effective measure would be the puffers that detect explosives on your skin/clothing. That way, you have a better chance of catching the pooper bomber than you would had you just groped everyone."
There you go.
Is it safe?
The scanner isn't safe for anybody, and neither are safe for sexual assult victims.
Think about this: Why does the dentist cover your body with a huge-ass LEAD APRON and leave the room when taking an x-ray of your teeth? Because even one x-ray can be harmful. These machines will scan your whole body with excessive radiation. Frequent flyers are especially at risk.
And there are plenty of people out there who have been raped or molested, and the pat-downs will be traumatic for them. Apparently they weren't given much thought when this new law was passed.
Anyways, I'm worried about Kenta. He's gotta go through this when he comes down here. >_<